Only I cried

‘That makes sense’, my Love said when I share how I couldn’t stop thinking about it. ‘If she had been alive, you would have bought presents and baked cake and hung garlands. You do it in honor of Amanda.’

I wrote a song. It started three years ago when I was sitting with our little deceased daughter in my hands in the days before she was buried. But I never found the peace and courage to finish it. Until last Christmas, when I could sit in my sister’s house for a few days to write my book. There I decided to first finish the song and to publish it on her birthday. I didn’t understand why it was so important for me to publish it on precisely that day. But now my Love helped me to understand and suddenly it makes sense.

I see myself sitting there. In her room, by the crib. I look at her and take her in my hands. I look at her more closely and wonder about how small she is, but so finished and having everything a person normally has. I thank God He didn’t do half the work and made an effort to make her beautiful.

I see myself sitting there. In my pain and sorrow I try to focus on God. I raise my hands with my daughter in them and dedicate her to the One Who made her. I keep repeating, ‘She is Yours, Lord’, ‘I give her back to you, Lord’. In my imagination I keep doing this, also after her funeral. The pain does not diminish. It gets a lot worse at first. I didn’t expect that.

I see myself sitting there. Always with her in my hands. I’m trying to surrender her to the God who created her and me. Nevertheless, I regularly withdraw my arms. Do I not want it? If I let her go completely, I will lose her even more. Still, I keep trying. Over time grief does not disappear. It changes. It becomes more woven into my life. I can better leave her where she is now, because I realize more and more that she has a better life in those Eternal arms than she ever would have here.

I see myself sitting there. That image sticks with me. I want to do justice to God who made her so beautiful. And to the pain that is there and testifies of Love that does not end with death. Even though I know she is safe and secure and I don’t want it any other way for her, the hole in my heart is still there. And the love. The love that was born at the same time as she was born.

In honor of our little girl and to do justice to Love and to God, I wrote a song. You can find it here. I published it on March 22, 2020, three years after her birth.

Only I cried

I held her tiny body in my hand
Admired her with awe and love
Amazed by how she looked and lay asleep
Reflecting life while she was gone

Only I moved,
Only I cried,
Only I was watching her
She did not look,
Made no sound at all
She could not receive my care

I held her tiny body in my hand
Hoping her heart would beat again
But she just lay there still and beautiful
Declaring wonders to my woe

Only I moved,
Only I cried,
Only I felt crushed inside
She did not feel,
Wasn’t there at all.
Still she showed me there’s a God

She was wonderfully made
She was crafted by an artist
A masterpiece of God
She called to worship Him
In all my ache and grief
She testified of God

Only I move,
Only I cry,
Only I can feel the void
She has no need,
She is safe with Him,
She just taught me He is God

I hold her tiny imprint in my heart
And honor Him who knows my pain

First published in Dutch on March 21 and March 22, 2020

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