June 24 2017 · when I should have been pregnant for 38 weeks

I am walking firmly, on and on
Going on, going on, just as in real life.
No choice, no matter how confused or sad I am
Life keeps running through

Can you see it, when you look at me?
That my heart is broken and confused?
Do I have a gray face, are my eyes darkened?
Can you see from my outside that inside nothing makes sense?
No stone is left on the other?

I continue to walk firmly, passing dogs and people
I don’t dare to look at them,
afraid that tears will come again.
Will this ever stop? Does it ever go away?
That everything reminds me of my daughter,
That I miss her so terribly?

Again and again the memories come back, out of nowhere.
The dead silence of the ultrasound, horrible exposing doom.
Her beautiful body, newborn, sweet, lifeless curled up tiny little human being.
Her eyes not seeing, her hands not reaching, her mouth not searching.

The closed basket covered with rose petals
To make appear sweet what is so horrible.
Or to cover sweetly what is so precious.

I continue walking, I want this chaos out of my head, order in my mind.
I search for God in all of this and I know He is here, but I do not want to pay attention.

I rather walk, run, stumble.
If I keep on moving, I cannot fall down.
Dwelling is deterioration, they say, or does that not apply here?

If I want quietness in my mind and peace in my heart
I have to be still and wait. Deep down inside I know that.
But what if I simply can’t?
What if all I can do is run?
Can I trust that He will run towards me when I cry out for help,
For Him?

I continue walking, a bit more quiet.
I still want to engrave her name into my body
To tell everyone how beautiful she was and how much I miss her.
But I can’t really explain, don’t find the precise words.
I can only confirm what we were listening again and again:
We are not alone, we are not alone, God is with us.

November 17, 2017, when making a photo-album, I wrote this poem to the picture of Amanda’s little feet:

Although your feet never walked
not even moved
when you came
Still you crawled into our world
moved us
set us aflame

You left an imprint
a trace that is ingrained
I can talk about it for hours
so big is our happiness and loss
Our happiness, because you were welcome, perfect and beautiful
So many times we have been thanking for you, you were a gift
And our loss, because we would have loved to see you grow up here
See you play and joke around with the other children
Entrusting you to the earth from which God formed you was the hardest thing there is
But no matter how small you were, your fragile existence also was your powerful testimony
You proved the existence of a Creator
You were formed so wonderfully in my lap
You proved the existence of Love
So deep is our pride and our grief since you died

Although your feet never walked
not even moved
when you came
Still you left an imprint
A trace
And my heart testifies of it