Back to School

Elektrische-bakfiets-Classic-Long-Steps

The kids are back to school. They all went to a higher group or class than the year before. My, how they are groing! They grow up so fast and becoming individuals with more and more lives of their own. The way they are, each in their own way, exploring, discovering, grasping the world around them. It just touches me deeply.

I biked home alone after bringing them to school. A little bit later I waved goodbye to my older children. Alone. How different from how I imagined things would be this new school year. She would have come with me in the cargo bike when I bring her brother and sister to their primary school. She would have waved goodbye to her other brother and sister together with me. I certainly would not have all the time of the world, like I have now.

Oh how quiet this quietness and how empty this emptiness is right now.

‘Go to God with your empty arms and your grief’, someone told me. Why is that so hard for me? Is it because if I do that, I accept things are the way they are? Is it because I don’t want do that, I even stubbornly resist that sometimes?

I was copying some lyrics I found on loose pieces of paper to my ‘hookbook’ where I jot down usable lines for songs to write in the future. On one of them I found this little chorus:

Don’t want to go there
Don’t want to feel
Just want to run somewhere
But I know it’s time to heal.

This touched me. I don’t know any more what caused me to write it (I must have written it a long time before Amanda died), but it described perfectly where I am now. If I go to God, I can find healing, comfort for my soul. But it also means that I have to feel what I feel. That I acknowledge what is happening inside of me and cry the tears that are there to cry. And it means letting go, allow to exist what is there. If I give my grief to God, He can do something with it. And sometimes I just don’t want that. At least not yet. Sometimes I want to hold onto the longing of seeing Amanda in my living room at the spot I had in mind. Although I know it is never going to happen.

Don’t want to go there
Don’t want to feel
Just want to run somewhere
But I know it’s time to heal.

First written in Dutch on August 23, 2017

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